I'm Not Okay

 I'm not okay.  

I haven't been in a long time.  You probably wouldn't know it by looking at me.  Every morning I get up, pull my big-girl panties up, and put on a brave face before stepping through my bedroom door. I leave it on until the house is empty. I am fortunate in that I work from home, so I can remove that mask and drop the false face. I don't have to waste the energy keeping it up. For that I am grateful. Because it's so very hard sometimes- to continuously put on that smile and act like everything is fine; to keep my own feelings hidden away so that I am not being a burden or irritation on others. 

But I'm hurting. Sometimes the ache is so deep and so strong that I cannot breathe. I start to hyperventilate. It feels like I am being torn apart, slowly ripping open and spilling my insides out. I don't know what to do with these feelings. I don't know how to silence my thoughts, or how to stop the constant reel of awful scenarios my sadistic mind likes to torment me with. The worst part about all of it is that I'm pretty sure that a lot of what my brain tells me isn't that far from the truth. 

I am a forgettable person.  I'm not particularly interesting; there's nothing special about me. I'm not someone that people go out of their way to hang out with or talk to.  People don't think about me; I'm an afterthought. I'm only "wanted" when someone wants or needs something from me. I'm a worthless, pointless, failure. I'll never be good enough for anyone. I'll never just be enough. 

Unfortunately,  I feel things too deeply. I care too fiercely. I go out of my way for the people I care about.  I will bend over backwards for them. I will push myself so far out of my comfort level for them. Over and over.  I give so much of my energy to the people I care for, yet I rarely get that same energy reciprocated.  

It's one thing to not care what others think about me, but when no one thinks about you - when you don't feel like there's anyone out there who truly cares-  there's only so much one can take of that without it wearing on you. I wish I could just be numb, apathetic.  I wish I could genuinely not care. What kind of person would that make me though?

So, I continue to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself.  I don't feel the need to share them when no one cares anyway.  It only makes me feel worse.  

But I will continue to get up every morning. I'll pull up those panties and affix that mask to my face. I'll work on building myself up wherever I can. I'll continue to show up for those I care for because I do care, even if I never get it in return.