(Mostly) Melancholy Mutterings

 I want to feel wanted- not just convenient I want to feel appreciated- not tolerated I want to feel cared for- not ignored I want to feel cherished- not indifferent I want feel thought of- not forgotten I want my presence to fill your social meter- not deplete it.  I want to feel like I matter.  

I've been having suicidal ideations lately.  So bad to the point where I've low-key considered options and plans. Refilling my pills and taking them all at once.  Walking in front of a truck or speeding car during one of my walks. Crashing my car off a bridge or something.   Various other ideas.... I can't talk to anyone about my bullshit.  I went to the doctor on Friday.  I didn’t tell him how bad I've been,  but I had him increase the dosage of my antidepressant as well as put in a referral for a therapist for me.   Things have just been too much. I feel unloved,  unlovable,  unwanted,  unneeded, unnessesary. I don't think I'm in danger of going through with anything right now, but it's gotten pretty close a few times here the past few months.   

I am constantly there for everyone else. I am an ear, a shoulder, a crutch if needed. I pay attention to those I care about, to watch for signs that things are not okay.  I go out of my way to offer and provide as much love and support as I can when people are going through dark times, when they are struggling.  I give so much of my energy. But I am struggling too. I am struggling quite a bit. No one wants to see that, though. I don't reach out to people. That part is on me.  Yet, I also do not hide the fact that I am not okay.  I guess it's too much for other people to deal with. They know I'm not okay, but they don't want to acknowledge it.  There is no one checking in on me and asking how I'm doing.  I'm drowning and there are no life preservers... no one reaching out their hand to help keep me afloat.  There are times when it just becomes too hard to keep treading water.  Sometimes it feels like it would just be easier to stop and let myself...

I've been struggling quite a bit with my mental health lately.  Well, for awhile now.  I have been trying to keep it together and not burden others with it.  I don't have anyone I can talk to about things I've been grappling with, but even if I did feel like I could talk to people- they are all struggling with their own issues.  I don't want to just add my bullshit to their lists.  But- it's getting harder to keep buried. It's taking it's toll.  I'm exhausted all of the time.  Not necessarily physically, but mentally & emotionally I'm just utterly  ragged.    I'm trying to deal with aspects in my life that I'm just not equipped to deal with.  I don't know how to. I'm such a broken person, and trying to readjust myself is proving out of my depth. There is no one for me to discuss this with, so it's all done in my head- with my self , who is definitely not the best person to have those conversations with.  At all .  I'...

 I'm not okay.   I haven't been in a long time.  You probably wouldn't know it by looking at me.  Every morning I get up, pull my big-girl panties up, and put on a brave face before stepping through my bedroom door. I leave it on until the house is empty. I am fortunate in that I work from home, so I can remove that mask and drop the false face. I don't have to waste the energy keeping it up. For that I am grateful. Because it's so very hard sometimes- to continuously put on that smile and act like everything is fine; to keep my own feelings hidden away so that I am not being a burden or irritation on others.  But I'm hurting. Sometimes the ache is so deep and so strong that I cannot breathe. I start to hyperventilate. It feels like I am being torn apart, slowly ripping open and spilling my insides out. I don't know what to do with these feelings. I don't know how to silence my thoughts, or how to stop the constant reel of awful scenarios my sadistic min...