Too Much, yet Not Enough

I am constantly there for everyone else. I am an ear, a shoulder, a crutch if needed. I pay attention to those I care about, to watch for signs that things are not okay.  I go out of my way to offer and provide as much love and support as I can when people are going through dark times, when they are struggling.  I give so much of my energy.

But I am struggling too. I am struggling quite a bit. No one wants to see that, though. I don't reach out to people. That part is on me.  Yet, I also do not hide the fact that I am not okay.  I guess it's too much for other people to deal with. They know I'm not okay, but they don't want to acknowledge it.  There is no one checking in on me and asking how I'm doing.  I'm drowning and there are no life preservers... no one reaching out their hand to help keep me afloat.  There are times when it just becomes too hard to keep treading water.  Sometimes it feels like it would just be easier to stop and let myself sink.  To take a deep breath in of all that water and just fall into that permanent sleep.

I understand that when you are dealing with your own bullshit that you have limited capacity for dealing with other people's bullshit. I live that reality every single day.  However, if you actually care about someone-  their well-being is something you want to help ensure.  You want to lift them up and let them know they belong in this world- that someone cares about them.  At least, that's how I see it.  I will try to offer support and encourage strangers to keep going when the world is falling apart-even though I don't know them.  I want the people who are struggling to know that they are not alone and that they matter.  

Hell, for me, when things get really dark- that's when I need to reach out and help lift up others the most.  Not only to remind them that they are not alone, but to remind myself that I'm not.  But it certainly feels like I'm still alone, when I am the only one checking in.  When I am the only one providing as much emotional support as I can.  When I am the only one reminding people that I care about what they are going through and am there to help.  

I do not need a lot to keep me going. It is enough to have someone tell me that I am seen. That I am heard. That they are there.  To make me feel like I matter.  But as with everything else about me, I guess I am just both too much and not enough.  Yet I continue to want to help support others get through their struggles, because I know what it's like to feel like you are drowning and no one cares.  

Found this on Pinterest and it just fit.  Yes, I'm a Libra.