Mind musing- January 4th, 2026

I've been struggling quite a bit with my mental health lately.  Well, for awhile now.  I have been trying to keep it together and not burden others with it.  I don't have anyone I can talk to about things I've been grappling with, but even if I did feel like I could talk to people- they are all struggling with their own issues.  I don't want to just add my bullshit to their lists. 

But- it's getting harder to keep buried. It's taking it's toll.  I'm exhausted all of the time.  Not necessarily physically, but mentally & emotionally I'm just utterly ragged.  

I'm trying to deal with aspects in my life that I'm just not equipped to deal with.  I don't know how to. I'm such a broken person, and trying to readjust myself is proving out of my depth. There is no one for me to discuss this with, so it's all done in my head- with my self, who is definitely not the best person to have those conversations with.  At all. 

I'm being annoyingly vague.  I know.  I should never have given out the link to this blog, because now it makes me feel uncomfortable putting my actual thoughts and issues out there.  I don't know who is reading it.  What if the person I'm talking about reads it?  But- If I'm being realistic-  it's no one.  No one is reading this because why would they care?  I put it out to what is essentially a bunch of strangers. A couple of people I actually know may have seen it but I doubt they bookmarked it or followed it.  But still...  

Whatever. What is the point of this blog if I can't bring myself to actually say what is on my mind, right?  If the "wrong" people read it, then I guess I'll find out. And if they do and it's an issue, well then I guess that issue will be dealt with one way or another. Or it will be ignored. (to be clear- I'm not just referring to this post, but any future ones as well.)

I'm struggling with the poly aspect of my partner.  A lot.  I have been for awhile now, and it's only getting worse. There are so many parts of it that are weighing on my mind and dragging me down.  

I can't stand the thought of him fucking someone else.  I can't stand thinking about all the things other women do that I don't.  How much better they are at the things I will do.  I can't help but wonder if when he's with me -he's thinking about them; if he looks forward to being with them more than with me. I can't stand the thought of him looking at another woman the same way he looks at me, or of him touching them the same way.   It all makes me physically sick to my stomach.  I've literally almost thrown up a few times thinking about it. I've hyperventilated and had full-blown panic attacks.

 I know that most likely sooner rather than later, he's going to start asking to start seeing other people again.  To find other partners.  All I can think about is how I'm not enough.  I do not provide what he needs so he feels the need to get that elsewhere.  Not just sex, but the emotional aspect as well.  He has stated that it's like me having my friends; he wants that circle of emotional support.  But-  I don't fuck my friends. They are not a romantic or sexual partner for me.  They are a friend.  It is not the same thing or the same idea.  If you need friends, go find some friends.  Why does he have to be able to fuck them and have an emotional/sexual connection to them?  What am I doing wrong or not providing in that aspect? Again, I understand the need for other friends, but why does he feel the need to seek out other sexual / romantic relationships? That is an extremely obvious sign that I am not providing what he needs.

I've been asking for transparency with the other girl he is already seeing- from the moment I found out he is poly.  But I've yet to get it.  My reasoning for wanting to know is that it would force me to acknowledge it, to get used to it- even if I don't like it.  But maybe in time I could at least get used to it and come to terms with it.  I already know he's seeing someone else, so without the transparency of when he's seeing her and what they are doing (I don't need details)-  it's left for my own asshole mind to interpret. Please note that I have a very active and vivid- but fucked up- imagination. So basically any time I'm not with him and he hasn't interacted with me for more than a couple of hours through text or something-  then my brain assumes he's balls deep in her having the time of his life.  All. the. Time. Even when it's unreasonable. And the scenarios my mind shows me, in vivid detail, are just devastating.  So, the transparency would help my brain calm the fuck down.  Because, while I wouldn't like it, I would at least know the times he is with her and I could believe that the rest of the time he isn't with her. It would drastically reduce the mind freak-out that happens.  Well, unless my mind is correct and he is with her all the time.

I don't get that transparency though, even though I've told him my reasoning for it. I'm also pretty sure he's already been dipping his toes in other waters.  He's already looking at- if not already talking to and even meeting- other women. He screen-shared his phone to his tv the other day, and what was on there but his Facebook Dating app...  which doesn't just randomly come up, so he had to have been recently looking through it. I didn't bring it up. I didn't even acknowledge that I had seen it.  I didn't want to deal with it. I still don't. I had just gotten there and didn't want it to ruin the rest of the week/end.  I let it go. I'm actually a little proud of myself for not having that knee-jerk reaction and going ballistic, now or since then, but I think I'm also just so emotionally and mentally run down that my emotions are just beginning to go numb. And that is not a good sign.

 I know that people in poly relationships say that having a second (or third, fourth, whatever) partner doesn't detract from their desire and love of the other person, but how can it not?  How can you spread yourself, your love and attention around without it getting watered down?  How can you stretch yourself that thin without it affecting the relationships? How can you fully give of yourself to more than one person? Or perhaps the idea is to not have to give fully.  I suppose it just takes a certain type of personality to be okay with all that- but I am not that personality.  

I've tried dating other men.  I've put myself out on dating sites.  I've talked to a number of guys, but I have yet to go out on a date with any of them. I will chat with them, a few I've even given my cell phone number to. We'll be chatting, things will be going good.  I'll be thinking that maybe I can do this, maybe this will actually work... but as soon as they ask me to actually meet in person- for drinks or dinner or something-  I freeze.  I admit to just straight up ghosting a few of them. Sometimes they ghost me first, which I've actually been okay with for the most part.  The fact that I didn't meet the cut can hurt a bit, but honestly I am most often just relieved. 

The fact is-  I don't want to.  I don't want to see other people. It makes me ill. It makes me feel.. icky.  

The only reason I'm putting myself out there and trying to date so that I can try and wrap my brain around the whole poly aspect.  To try and prove to myself that things can be spread around without watering it down.  That dating another guy won't change my relationship with my current partner.  That's bullshit though, because I know it will.  Even if I only find a booty-call person, it will change my relationship with my current partner.  It can't not change it.  Not for me.  If nothing else, I'd be using that person as an angry "revenge" fuck- which wouldn't be any sort of actual revenge because my current partner wouldn't give a shit that I was fucking the dude.  That in and of itself just makes me feel like shit- that he wouldn't care.  Because my brain doesn't view it as a "He's just not a jealous person and doesn't mind sharing" thing.  It views it as a "He doesn't fucking care" thing.  I haven't been with him for long enough in the right sort of relationship for me to view it as the former thought vs. the latter one. 

But I can't do just a booty-call relationship.  That's just not who I am. Not anymore. I would need an actual connection with the person. But when I am with someone, I give all of me.  I put my all into that relationship and will fight tooth and nail for it if I feel that the person is worth it.  I will not change myself, but I will bend aspects of myself to help fit if I need to. I will compromise much further than other people have for me.  Unfortunately, I am starting to feel like I'm bending myself so much that I'm beginning to crack and break.  How in the world would I be able to do that for more than one person? I'd shatter.

 To be clear- I do not blame my current partner for the way I'm struggling.  Yes, the transparency would be a big help, but I'm sure he has his reasons for not sharing.  I'm going to go ahead and assume those reasons are not shady.  All of my feelings regarding other women being better than me and wondering how in the world anyone would put me first, much less actually chose only me, is all coming from me and my broken mind.  I am 100% fully aware of this. I do not think at all kindly or highly of myself. I have serious self-esteem and self-worth issues, and this leaks into my relationships. While it would be nice to find someone who truly acknowledges, accepts, and is honestly okay with putting in the work to keep me reassured regarding everything- that is an astronomical ask and it is absolutely NOT  their responsibility to try and help "fix" me.  

The fact that I chose to continue a relationship with a poly man makes this a million times harder, but it is a decision I made. I am the one who decided to continue on with this despite knowing it was going to be a treacherous uphill battle for me. I would never ask him to change who he is or to stifle himself in order to fit my definition of a relationship.  That would not at all be fair.  I also have come to realize and come to terms with the fact that I have been viewing this relationship much more seriously than he does.  I think when he told me he considers me his "primary", that I took that to mean more than it actually does. So I'm trying to take a few dozen steps back and view the relationship differently.  More casually.  

I know I need to talk about these things with him.  I have actually tried a couple of times- but I can't make words come out of my mouth.  I've gotten myself to bring up a few other things that have bothered at me and we've discussed it- but this one I just can't seem to make it happen.  I'm too afraid of what the outcome will be.  I know what the outcome will be.  He'll end it to spare me any further hurt, and honestly probably to finally release himself from me as well.  

My one saving grace right now, that some may view as a flaw but I consider a fucking life-saver, is that I cannot fall IN love with someone.   At least I am not having to struggle with that kind of bullshit. I can love someone, can feel very deeply for someone, but falling all the way is not something I am capable of. So, when relationships end- which they inevitably do- it will suck and hurt quite a LOT.... but I'll live. I know I'll work through it and come back up for air again. 

 I'll leave the reasoning for me not being able to fall in love for another post.