(Mostly) Melancholy Mutterings

This blog is not made for you- it's for me. Sometimes I need to write out the dark thoughts that are in my head- vent the pressure. I also recently decided to really start focusing on some shadow work. This is where I will journal most of that journey. Most of this is probably going to be repetitive, gloomy, and woe-is-me. Be advised that some topics may be triggering.

Moved

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January 24, 2026

This blog has been moved. You can now find it here: https://mydarkoblivion.wordpress.com/

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I'm Not Okay

December 18, 2025

I'm not okay. I haven't been in a long time. You probably wouldn't know it by looking at me. Every morning I get up, pull my big-girl panties up, and put on a brave face before stepping through my bedroom door. I leave it on until the house is empty. I am fortunate in that I work from home, so I can remove that mask and drop the false face. I don't have to waste the energy keeping it up. For that I am grateful. Because it's so very hard sometimes- to continuously put on that smile and act like everything is fine; to keep my own feelings hidden away so that I am not being a burden or irritation on others. But I'm hurting. Sometimes the ache is so deep and so strong that I cannot breathe. I start to hyperventilate. It feels like I am being torn apart, slowly ripping open and spilling my insides out. I don't know what to do with these feelings. I don't know how to silence my thoughts, or how to stop the constant reel of awful scenarios my sadistic min...

ST

January 18, 2026

I've been having suicidal ideations lately. So bad to the point where I've low-key considered options and plans. Refilling my pills and taking them all at once. Walking in front of a truck or speeding car during one of my walks. Crashing my car off a bridge or something. Various other ideas.... I can't talk to anyone about my bullshit. I went to the doctor on Friday. I didn’t tell him how bad I've been, but I had him increase the dosage of my antidepressant as well as put in a referral for a therapist for me. Things have just been too much. I feel unloved, unlovable, unwanted, unneeded, unnessesary. I don't think I'm in danger of going through with anything right now, but it's gotten pretty close a few times here the past few months.

Too Much, yet Not Enough

January 18, 2026

I am constantly there for everyone else. I am an ear, a shoulder, a crutch if needed. I pay attention to those I care about, to watch for signs that things are not okay. I go out of my way to offer and provide as much love and support as I can when people are going through dark times, when they are struggling. I give so much of my energy. But I am struggling too. I am struggling quite a bit. No one wants to see that, though. I don't reach out to people. That part is on me. Yet, I also do not hide the fact that I am not okay. I guess it's too much for other people to deal with. They know I'm not okay, but they don't want to acknowledge it. There is no one checking in on me and asking how I'm doing. I'm drowning and there are no life preservers... no one reaching out their hand to help keep me afloat. There are times when it just becomes too hard to keep treading water. Sometimes it feels like it would just be easier to stop and let myself...